Hellmouth

back of the Church San Francisco De Asisi Church, a famous church in Ranchos de Taos another shot at the church somewhere btwn ranchos de taos and dixon, nm At one point in my life, I was a pretty good photographer, and wanted to be a professional photographer.   So, its a sort of odd situation to find myself in one of the most visually spectacular areas in the country or even world, with no good camera, and for totally different reasons than making art.  I think of the southwest as the photographic equivalent of a "target rich environment". Anyway, I've decided to post photos I took on my shitty phone, when I feel up to it, anyway.  Because I don't know when or if I'll be better and up to doing much real art... These photos dont do their subjects/objects justice, but they're something Between Ranchos De Taos and Dixon, NM (part of the Taos area) An "Earthship", on the Taos Mesa (west of d...

"Years ago my heart was set/to live, oh/but I've been trying hard/against unbelievable odds"--Big Star, Ballad of El Goodo I shouldn’t be writing this essay. I shouldn’t be doing anything but resting. But things as they are are untenable. And sometimes I write because I literally think if I get my story out into the world, I might find a savior. These days, everything I write (and it doesn’t amount to much) is a literal cry for help. Why have you forsaken me? And by you, I guess I mean the world. I guess I mean anyone who might listen. In the summer of 2016, I was working outside for a small tree nursery business, really just a two-man operation, in central vermont. (I’m native to Northeastern Vermont, but our work took us all over the state). I was young, fit, full of anxieties, ambition, big plans. I wanted to be an artist and a musician, professionally, yes, but also just as a vocation. I wanted to do whatever it takes to “make it”. I just...

"Idiopathic, from the Latin for 'idiot'". --Gregory House, MD I take issue with the idea of labelling mast   cell   activation  that occurs in response to environmental toxicity that very well may be a burden, to differing degrees, to all people , a "disorder" or implying that the  mast   cell   activation  is a pathology rather than a possibly protective response to toxic burden The idea that mcas explains all environmental toxicity symptoms is one I resist because I think a) we have not even really begun to scientifically explore this illness and the possible immunological aspects , in terms of volume and depth of published research and b)  mast   cell   activation  is only *part* of the general innate immune system response to toxins. There are many direct and indirect ways pollution or toxins could damage the body. Inflammation is mediated not only by  mast  cells but also by macrophages , glial cells, and more. If ...

[Disclaimer-- this is an old essay I wrote.   I have no particular attachment to the views presented in it and don't stand by the quality.  However, since I've been trying fruitlessly to write and raise awareness about ME/CFS and other things that are more relevant to my life, I figured a good strategy might be to repost some of the critical theory /pop relatedculure  essays that people liked a lot when I last posted thek, and then see if they'd read the rest of what I write] The thing that ultimately saves the flesh from being ridiculous is the element of death that resides in the healthy, vigorous body; it is this, I realized, that sustains the dignity of the flesh .  Yukio Mishima, Sun and Steel Suicide is not only a pragmatic act but a narrative one.  Even its most pragmatic manifestations, such as euthanasia, are rife with symbolic meaning. The manner of suicide, the timing of suicide, and the reason for suicide are all considerations....

I remember crossing through the panhandle of Texas during a giant, ominous dust/windstorm this past summer, in the back of a minivan, while listening to this song by Rilo Kiley: https://youtu.be/-zTXFOUvZiw "It's 16 miles/to the promised Land" took on such significance for me, as we neared New Mexico, and i thought about the wonderful, terrifying prospect of having hope for recovering from my illness.  The New Mexico sunsets are strange, unreal, and seem to reveal new dimensions to light itself.  I don't know if New Mexico is the promised Land.  Things haven't gone as easy or as speedily as I once hoped they would.  But the experiment of going to pristine wilderness areas in the West to see what effect it has on my symptoms as a whole has yielded lots of usable data, and tantalizing possibilities for future improvement. I've had so much pain, and probably have so much more to deal with even with treatments that could possibly yield full remission, to ...

Given how sick I am currently,  keeping up with a blog is an absurdly optimistic notion.  I cant even keep up with really basic tasks of survival and life.  And a diary is even too much work, let alone a public one.  It seems like the best use of my extremely limited energy would be to conserve it, to try and unify it into a singular force of will to figure out an escape from this hell.  But since severe ME/CFS  is basically invisible for the exact reasons I list, part of me wants to document things, and expose them to an audience that rarely sees them... such as the audience that used to read my old blog posts on literature and critical theory bs... So maybe I'll keep this up as a form of public diary,  and a form of documenting a journey through hell.   Let's just hope that the way out is actually through and this isn't all for nothing.

"She is ten times heavier Stronger, than you found the grave Or ever was… I think you need Ice water But the only thing that You really hate Is all its emptiness” --”Ice Water”, Cat Power Intro/Thesis (CryoChronos)     Nico’s “The Marble Index” is both a work of folk music genius and classical, sculptural beauty--existing in a space that is wholly its own. It is a work of conjuration, both archaic and futuristic.  This album is an example of what Bob Dylan called “Arsenic Music” or “Phaedra Music,” filtered through a Germanic classical ideal. This album is an ice sculpture, if the ice were frozen time.   Nico is a seer.  To understand Nico through standard rational-materialist lenses will do very little good, therefore I propose a new field that will help to understand her creation:  cryochronology , or the study of frozen time.  It will be an archaeology performed on the glacier that is “The Marble Index”.  It ...